i just wanna soil my oats bro
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
