Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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