I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
