he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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