one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
