The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
