she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
