Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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