I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
