Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
