I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Randomize
