If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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