Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
