It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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