Old men and throwing up are my life now.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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