im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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