these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
