My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
