3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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