I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
