The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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