You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
