i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
