Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
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