I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
