She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
