I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
