I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
