How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
