you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
well you can't waste a boner
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
