I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
