I wish life had little blips of pornography
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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