the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
