I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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