I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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