ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
