He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
