Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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