the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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