Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
why do cheetos always look like penises
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
