I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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