Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
