from now on my penis is your penis
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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