I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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