My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
