im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
