He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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