i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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