P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
