He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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