I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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