epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
