Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
